The Value of Nightmares
An eye, very like this, seen first in the film “Spiral Staircase”, used to wake me to sitting in terror. The eye (through a hole) filled the screen prior to each murder of women in boarding house, each with a different disability. Later in life while enjoying/enduring a psychotic episode, I reassured myself by believing there is always someone watching over me. Or Someone.
Another series of nightmares had me in a lift/elevator shaft, jumping from side to side above the lift, grabbing onto wrought iron walls, my parents in pursuit as the lift rose up and down, but never squashing me. Have read this as no matter how high or low the bipolar takes me, I am safe from being crushed. Rising above and outside the moving box.
For me, the most valuable nightmare is/was the one that came true in real life as I followed my dreams on waking. I use it now to reassure myself that I am on track – the dirt running track in the following poem – and with the cheering from friends responding to David Collins-Rivera review of MIXED FORTUNES as posted on tumblr (see below) leads me to the comfort that I am on the final stretch. (For how this worked out in real life one would have to read “Life Before Lithium” on Smashwords. ) Now I am applying it to my writing life.
A witch used to chase me
through a three dimensioned maze
always found an opening
but not the way out
before the maze disappeared
and the witch
turned into a tribe of gypsies
in full cry behind me
as I sped
from village hall
up the main road
between disused railway tracks
to the field
where pig-lilies grew.
Up the bank
across the recreation ground
up clay-slip slope
and stony path
dirt running track
gravel road
pine trees
by gate of school
to disappear.
But one night,
the night they went
forever,
I made it.
Fell into the arms
of the waiting headmaster
deafened by the cheering school
the witch and the gypsies
demons of my night
let me sleep
undisturbed.
http://wordacrosstime.tumblr.com/post/162945342034/mixed-fortunes-work-in-progress
