Poet Posing on Prose Platform

Tag Archive: mood swings

The Value of Nightmares

An eye, very like this, seen first in the film “Spiral Staircase”, used to wake me to sitting in terror.  The eye (through a hole) filled the screen prior to each murder of women in boarding house, each with a different disability. Later in life while enjoying/enduring a psychotic episode, I reassured myself by believing there is always someone watching over me. Or Someone.

Another series of nightmares had me in a lift/elevator shaft, jumping from side to side above the lift, grabbing onto wrought iron walls,  my parents in pursuit as the lift rose up and down, but never squashing me. Have read this as no matter how high or low the bipolar takes me, I am safe from being crushed. Rising above and outside the moving box.

For me, the most valuable nightmare is/was the one that came true in real life as I followed my dreams on waking.  I use it now to reassure myself that I am on track – the dirt running track in the following poem – and with the cheering from friends responding to David Collins-Rivera review of MIXED FORTUNES as posted on tumblr (see below) leads me to the comfort that I am on the final stretch. (For how this worked out in real life one would have to read “Life Before Lithium” on Smashwords. ) Now I am applying it to my writing life.

A witch used to chase me

through a three dimensioned maze

always found an opening

but not the way out

before the maze disappeared

and the witch

turned into a tribe of gypsies

in full cry behind me

as I sped

from village hall

up the main road

between disused railway tracks

to the field

where pig-lilies grew.

Up the bank

across the recreation ground

up clay-slip slope

and stony path

dirt running track

gravel road

pine trees

by gate of school

to disappear.

 

But one night,

the night they went

forever,

I made it.

Fell into the arms

of the waiting headmaster

deafened by the cheering school

the witch and the gypsies

demons of my night

let me sleep

undisturbed.

http://wordacrosstime.tumblr.com/post/162945342034/mixed-fortunes-work-in-progress

Unhappy v Not Happy

Searched for an image to best express my feelings this morning.

Started with ‘not happy’ and was confronted with a plethora of platitudinous crap floating among images of anger. For that is where the attitude of ‘not happy’ comes from – unresolved anger. Resolve my anger? I would not know where to start.

I accept one can change an attitude by a change of thinking – I grew up with Pollyanna – put a smile on your face and find the silver lining. Did that until it became a habit which masked unhappiness.

‘Unhappy’ is not an attitude, but an intermittent but persistent mood. One of the facets which reflect an inner feeling. After all, “laugh and the world laughs with you, cry and you cry alone.” I have been in that laughing space and the most memorable thing about it is that I cannot remember what triggered the laughter, with whom, when or where. I just know that I laughed until it hurt. But I cry alone.

But that is not the reason I decided to create a new post today. Someone elsewhere expressed concern that I had not posted in here for some days, worried for my welfare. I live alone and, like many older persons, am aware of the possibility of being found dead.

So here I am, reassuring at least one reader that I am alive and reasonably well. I have been going to the gym for an upper body workout followed by time in the pool – hydrotherapy exercises and a swim – coming out when I crinkle or cramp.

The gym is now open; time to dress, breakfast and take a leisurely stroll.

A Matter of Mood

me-and-my-ever-changing-moods-red-gold-20121 http://www.dirkjanssens.eu

Is the name of the artist I can thank for creating this image. I would so like to be able to hang on a wall! But, to date I have no pictures hung and were I to start (with landlord’s agent’s blessing) where would I stop?
Good night’s sleep. Woke full of beans bursting to be doing something. Constructive.

 

Instead I turned on the television to watch “Insiders”.

Back to blah!

I could go for a walk and maybe do a bit of shopping? But is is now raining. Cold. Best idea would be back to bed with a good book.

How goes this Sunday for you?

(I have got as far as loading my WIP onto the small laptop with a view of sitting out on my patio and working if and when the sun shines?) Hmm. Something has popped my optimistic bubble. Keep forgetting that the price I pay for happy moments are equally balanced by the opposite. Given my life’s history I admit I am now too afraid of swinging to an extreme. Where I am at now is COMFORTABLE.  Not rich, but managing. Lots of stuff I could be doing – have mending basket, knitting and crochet needles and several good books. Tom Holt’s works elicit laughter and, as long as I don’t worry where his head was at when writing, I can chortle. So I am off to read. Some thought given to runners out there – wet and cold but living in the moment.

Have a great day.

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